A letter..

I went crazy last week, i mean actually crazy! not crazy enough to slit someones throat, but enough to actually think about doing it. Anyone whose seen the movie TAXI DRiVER will get an idea of my state now.. . And it is in such a state that i write this.:




Dear friend,

Hope u are fine and this letter reaches u in good health. U might be wondering who the hell this is and where this dropped from……in case you’re getting nervous, don’t worry… we’ve met….met sometime before when 15 of us used to visit there daily … - 14 with steths, notepad, torch, knee hammer, CNS kit, tape, glucose ,bible and phoney smiles and one wide eyed weirdo with almost straight hair looking like a nut less squirrel, without any accessories [including the smile].– that would be me !!
I’m writing this letter to inform you of the termination of your sickening life in this hellhole…..happy days are back again…u know y???? I’M COMING OVER….…..find me a bed on the right side from where u can see the coffin shop and the pg hostel …………..make sure I get to occupy the bed next to yours, and nowhere else…tell those dissenting I hacked 4 of my classmates on the process of becoming insane…..
I’m writing this letter to you because everyone here has had enough of me whining around, especially when I wrote something last time, so I thought maybe I’ll write to you…I thought u wont complain …. ‘cos ….’cos- No apparent reason. I just thought u wouldn’t complain….that’s how I thought you were…maybe you wouldn’t know but these days i think a lot about you…..dream about how your life might be, how similar our thoughts might be, how your kids might be, how they talk, play and all that…. Nobody cares for all my stupid thoughts I know… …not even you, I’m sure….but still I thought I should let you know how much I do think ,especially so in these last days when our batch souvenir is about to be published…..[:p] …..leave all the pointless dramatic beginning I’m trying to create to impress you[believe me…………you’re really worth it!!!], ill tell you about my college….and why I’m coming over!!
I’ve had enough ……..I thought I could stay low and pass out unassumingly but those hopes remain distant now that there’s about 4 more years to go…don’t think I can make it alive or sane till the very end………and after that??? I tried searching around for a word that conveys “not sure about anything in life [unsure about everything in life] ”…u get the idea now anyways ..no use searching…..
But I’ve started to pass sessionals!!!! for the first time since I came here…do not think I’ve gone crazy over the shock of it ….its not that……all this time nobody used to give a shit about your studies…..but now that you’ve passed, immoral accusations [that I cant even imagine] come from all sides……..listening in class, hard work and intelligence can drive people jealous…..’Course u should know…..
The girls out here…..are so depressing, disheartening, demoralizing, and dismaying to watch….one whole year spent in college finally taught u to ‘acclimatize’ to the fact that they suck and just when u start to recognize a tinge of beauty[glimmer of hope] if any within them, a vacation sets in…and when u return to class and see them filling in one by one…… the truth again lashes at u with a toothed whip, toothed with their attitude….[but I’ve learnt these days u do get acclimatized easily {written so just in case this letter falls in the wrong hands}]
We started a band, and had been jamming for long till when our name got stolen by one of the best college bands in the state…..now to keep us reminded of the dilapidated state that we are in [own just a drum set poor Surej bought the day after Sivamani talked to him in a wet dream he had]…..now we’re pretty well ‘acclimatized to our dilapidated state’ and have even decided to rename our band as A2D [acclimatized to dilapidation]…… do tell me if u like the name. or should we name it ATP??? [Adenosine triphosphate –something that keeps us alive {that’s all even I know}]
Every time anyone from your school gets placed..* * * * er makes it a point that the first thing he does is call you and inform u of the no of zeros in his fathers salary [correction-his salary]……..like I care. U can find him usually hanging up the phone with the following dialogue ”nee first yr passayade???”
U wont lose those chess matches with superman again……….and we’ll teach that smug creature…UCA [universal controller of administration] a lesson…has he been troubling u with all those tales about why Sania mirza is his daughter??? don’t u worry…I’m coming over….ill teach him why….
We’ll strike and get a life…….We’ll strike for air conditioning, good looking nurses, western closets in the bathrooms and weekly interaction trips to female wards, and when those white coats come with their phoney smiles and notepads..…..don’t u worry ill drive them away with brooms………maybe they’ll take me to electrocute like in those movies but I don’t think I would mind that at all ……looking forward to it!!!
We’ll play strip poker and all those naughty games and have fun……..and make so much noise that they’ll take us to the asylum in peroorkada…….u haven’t been there????? I went there once with a steth around my neck….. It’s the best mann [though I missed a lot of it owing to dim-witted doubts of a lunatic among our midst]…..its heaven save for a crazy ###### behind bars who occasionally gives u a glimpse of his genitals ….I almost vomited……don’t worry we’ll take necessary action[censored]. The rest of them are really cool……one of them even asked me to smuggle him out…..wonder y he wants to????
We’ll hide those pills [lesser minded jealous ppl give us to reduce our thinking capabilities] underneath our tongue and spit them off later…or shove it all up their ass……….we’ll teach all those megalomaniacs [superman and UCA] a lesson…….we’ll dedelude them…..ill pretend to learn the game from superman and then defeat him…….. That’ll drive him REALLY crazy!!!! Don’t u worry….
Don’t worry if u are suspicious of your wife……I was too when I had a gfriend back when I was 6…….ill tell u what!!! divorce her…..its the only way u can be free…….i wont say you’ll not miss her…..I tend to think about her some times when i see sick ‘best friends’ walking around or when u stay alone at home with nothing else to do ….but that doesn’t mean you’re in love… trust me……..in the end you’ll thank me for it!!! I promise u……
Speaking about best friends…..they’re everywhere!!!! Walking around campus, hospitals, library, jungles etc……its all so sick to watch…...we’ll discuss about the Freudian aspects of it all later when I come there…….too broadminded [for us] to pen down!!!!
I’ll try to come over with my friends too but they say I’m the only one who’s crazy….They say I’m crazy cos I laugh a lot and cos the sight of plastic glove clad waiters at Gauri Nivas makes me go there again ….wonder what it is for u????
Do u also dream within dreams??….. and wake up and wonder which dream u actually woke up from??? Do bad hair days stress u up????….cant get a tune out of your head???? …. Love clean food and wash your hands often???....love to be alone once in a while???? ………does all this make us insane?????…but don’t worry, we wont suffer…we’ll enjoy every minute of our insanity….. I do believe it takes a lot of creativity and intelligence to be the people that we are………we’re geniuses mann….…we’ll have our own units to scale our self.......
And by the way if this is that part in a letter where u really get, up close with the person addressed to, I'll tell u a secret! Have u ever had thoughts that u might be biggest sex maniac in the world or something....i guess everyone has that. I had them too till i opened my forensic text book, we're nowhere close man, there are real 'crazy' people out there doing things - even we'll need time to think off. I'll send the text over with a strip of domperidone. Whatever u do u cant unsee certain things that'll make a lasting impression. So do handle the book with care.
So coming back to our strategy ....When the doctor comes for rounds , we’ll look busy and speak big philosophy among ourselves just so at a volume that he might overhear them…..we’ll make him strain every time to overhear us …. we’ll give him a bit of philosophy everyday…..the second time we’ll speak softly and make him strain even more and so on…. so that ….some day he’ll go crazy turning over all that accumulated philosophy in his mind…or someday he’ll go crazy when we’ll sadistically deprive him of his daily dose of imperative philosophy [either of the 2]…..and then the three of us would discuss together……and play strip poker together too……and maybe someday we’ll start our own religion……people might worship our idols…[Oo I’m getting Goosebumps just thinking bout it]
Do u really remember me??? If u don’t I don’t blame u….u might have seen me behind all those white coated case takers…staring noticeably openmouthed at you over their shoulders…….I’m sorry I never came forward and talked……truth is I was afraid and I thought u hated us all….[I wouldn’t like those phoneys if I were u]…but I guess u were too scared to drive them off……don’t u worry….. I’m coming over…..remember the time when you said u were not mad and your relatives tricked u to this hellhole……u did’nt expect anyone to believe you right??? ..but I did, I really did…..
By the way, I forgot to tell u about autopsy……its one of the oldest secrets of med school…it’s a means by which lesser hardened students will voluntarily resign from med school, without making any big fuss about it…….ever smelt a meat factory??? The smells better here……I closed my mouth and swallowed my vomit 6 times when the doctors bent down and sniffed the poison and decayed stomach, like dopers on coke.…..that’s gross even for me………but the best part is the sound when the rippers [attendants] separate the vault from the rest of the skull……there are two of them out there, one male and female……people I’m sure in love with each others sadisms [like kinky horror films]….u should see them hammering at the skulls of neighboring bodies in unison taking pauses to grin at each other perhaps to say. “I broke it first this time”…………the sounds are the best part especially when they separate the meninges from the skull…funny I felt like hearing coconut husk being removed….and did you know post mortised bodies have their brains, intestines, kidneys, liver everything sliced and tucked up within their chest???? I dint know that… First time I saw it I thought they made a mistake……, .but I can never describe autopsy…u should see it for yourself…..will give us lots of philosophy to discuss about……..maybe I could smuggle u in some day…..we’ll see about that…
I guess this should be enough…..I feel relaxed already…….Though this letter is meant especially for the patient in bed no 9 ,ward 23 psychiatry unit, I’ve got a strange and equally sad feeling you’re not there…..and you’re some place else ….’cured’ and well and playing with your kids…do they ask about their divorced mom??? Do remarry and do it soon ……
Expecting your reply in a little while….and if you’re not there….I expect someone out there to reply to me [except if you are ‘grandeured’…..if u are and u happen to read this letter…..don’t u dare touch my letter, give it to someone else…..i hate u , hope you rot and then burn in hell] and if you’re not ‘grandeured’ ……don’t worry……just try not to think too much – lifes not worth that much[that’s the key]. …. happy days are back again. …...I’M COMING OVER!!!!!!


- Saran Soman